I am 28 years old today yet on this day what should be something to celebrate is instead a matter of contention. 18th June is another day I just happen to be born on is all, 18/06/1984 I’ve filled in/in-putted/stated out countless times, all it is is a statistic, all I am as of now is a statistic.
In fact you know what I used my 28th
birthday for? Getting money out of a few family members so I can pay
for my next Open University course, a form of unspoken emotional
blackmail to the very people I want nothing to do with, the ugly
truth being that without this I cannot pay for the course by myself
because I’m unemployed.
Maybe I would feel something akin to
enthusiasm if I felt like when I tried to organise a social gathering
at least one could have happened but for varying reasons it never did
and this time I simply decided after a few weeks that I might as well
not bother with it and save the money instead for a rainy day (under
the Tories its going to pour).
So cynical I have become I rarely take
anything said to me or I hear at face value I’m always searching
for something between the lines, searching for hidden motives or just
assuming the worst of everything, not to mention constantly second
guessing and doubting my own motives.
Therefore getting two replies from my
facebook friends about me calling off a planned gathering for my 28th
as I couldn't be bothered with it anymore, one saying they would come
down to see me and go for a pint, the other saying they might have a
present to post to me.
These invoked in me feelings of
surprise, embarrassment, shame and guilt, it shows up how wrong I can
be, okay sometimes my cynicism is valid however it brings to mind the
times I have got it so wrong which has caused others hurt and
confusion especially when i end up acting out of spite and i fear i may have done so in this case.
Its another issue to contend with, one
I wonder if I will ever to somehow resolve this deep seated part of
my personality before it leaves me hopelessly socially maladjusted,
after all how can I become a mental health professional with that
part of me?
With each passing year since the age of
24 I feel as though somehow time is running out for me to get
everything settled within myself and get to where I want to go career
wise.
18th June the journey
continues.
