Monday, 18 June 2012

My thoughts: This be Year 28 of my existence...

I am 28 years old today yet on this day what should be something to celebrate is instead a matter of contention. 18th June is another day I just happen to be born on is all, 18/06/1984 I’ve filled in/in-putted/stated out countless times, all it is is a statistic, all I am as of now is a statistic.

In fact you know what I used my 28th birthday for? Getting money out of a few family members so I can pay for my next Open University course, a form of unspoken emotional blackmail to the very people I want nothing to do with, the ugly truth being that without this I cannot pay for the course by myself because I’m unemployed.

Maybe I would feel something akin to enthusiasm if I felt like when I tried to organise a social gathering at least one could have happened but for varying reasons it never did and this time I simply decided after a few weeks that I might as well not bother with it and save the money instead for a rainy day (under the Tories its going to pour).

So cynical I have become I rarely take anything said to me or I hear at face value I’m always searching for something between the lines, searching for hidden motives or just assuming the worst of everything, not to mention constantly second guessing and doubting my own motives.

Therefore getting two replies from my facebook friends about me calling off a planned gathering for my 28th as I couldn't be bothered with it anymore, one saying they would come down to see me and go for a pint, the other saying they might have a present to post to me.

These invoked in me feelings of surprise, embarrassment, shame and guilt, it shows up how wrong I can be, okay sometimes my cynicism is valid however it brings to mind the times I have got it so wrong which has caused others hurt and confusion especially when i end up acting out of spite and i fear i may have done so in this case.

Its another issue to contend with, one I wonder if I will ever to somehow resolve this deep seated part of my personality before it leaves me hopelessly socially maladjusted, after all how can I become a mental health professional with that part of me?

With each passing year since the age of 24 I feel as though somehow time is running out for me to get everything settled within myself and get to where I want to go career wise.

18th June the journey continues.