Saturday, 25 August 2012

My Thoughts: My friends are my estate.

A quote by Emily Dickinson one i believe to be very true.

Certainly the last few days have highlighted to me the importance having a good friend especially those who are loyal to you who stand by you no matter what and are there for you.

I recently got back in touch with a friend after over a year without contact (which is my fault but they don't hold it against me)

Having struggled with this I turned to this friend and said I feared a depressive episode if my mood did not pick up soon, I showed them this post and said this was likely the trigger. They told me what I needed to hear and did so in a such way which was honest but not harsh, helpful not dismissive and gave me genuine hope not false hope where if I make the effort it will turn out okay.

It is something of a step for me to reach out and say to someone I was struggling with something thus things were not good for me. Usually I don't I tend to slog on alone despite me saying to others who are struggling they ought to enlist the help of those who care about them (making me a hypocrite).

Why don't I take my own advice? From past experiences more often than not it seemed easier to cope alone for varying reasons the main ones being either the people you know are not supportive or you feel like a burden to those who are supportive (“they got problems of their own they don't need me bringing mine to them” a particular train of thought for me) and of course its easier to give out advice/suggestions as well offering others support as a way of forgetting about yourself for the time being.

At first I pondered about even talking to this friend as we only just got back in touch I partly felt it would be inappropriate to do so however they did tell me in no uncertain terms they are here for me if I need them...and I did need someone so I took the opportunity.

Thanks to this friend my mood has lifted and the potential episode is gone knowing I have this person back in my life gives me some reassurance for whatever episodes may occur in the future (winter in particular I’m not dreading for the first time depression usually regards my mind as something of a winter retreat).

So now its just the minor matter of not sabotaging this friendship, something I did before.

Saturday 25th August the journey continues.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Tuesday 24th July – present...heart vs mind.

Written over a week ago (slight alteration; emptiness added here).

18 months have passed since our latest separation your not here yet I talk to you all the time as you are a part of me and always will be, you are my soulmate I know you, I desire you, I accept you. My failures towards you diminish me as a person the pain, emptiness and torment arising from them will never go away.

A summary of how I feel from the heart about Kelly since I saw her on the 24th July (we didn't talk and she didn't see me, any inclination of going after her got stamped out owing to a anxiety attack and she wasn't alone she was walking with a man) since then I’ve been reeling from the explosion of feelings and thoughts about her.

Incidentally this occurred only minutes before I was due to go into a job interview...where I did well enough to be placed on a waiting list for a vacancy to open up.

Having only 2 hours sleep the night previously its no surprise i succumbed to an attack in fact with the benefit of hindsight it was inevitable however difficult the 24th July was it were only the beginning where the conflict I’m going through is tearing me apart.

Times are I pine for her so badly as the emptiness I’ve felt since she left me that day keeps gnawing away at me, I end up idealising about her being back in my life. On the flip side I keep remembering all of the crap she put me through (including dreams which make the very unsubtle point that despite us being involved in a sexual relationship Kelly never intended to be in a committed relationship with me, in fact as to the rest of the world was concerned to her we were only friends).

So the questions that keep going round and round in my head:

Why keep idealising about someone who does not feel the same way as you do?
How the hell do I move on from her? Its been 18 months for crying out loud and she's still in my head.
But as I regard as my I should at least try to make it work with her? (like you didn't try before?)
If I don't try at least once does it mean I am a coward?
Has she truly given up on me?
Or is she too scared to get back in touch?

I don't know what to do right now also I'm not sure which scares me more; the prospect that conflict will never end for me or I have no idea how deal with it.

11th August 2012 the journey continues.