Tuesday, 24 April 2012

My Thoughts:50 and out

After 50 days the episode is over. Done, finished. The depression is out of here (at least for the temporary).

A few nights of sleeping properly and an increased appetite contribute to me feeling energized and determined to make something happen, free from the machinations of my depression and anxiety I am able to concentrate, I’ve been typing away furiously for my Open Uni course, my job searching, applying and even a story I started some time back.

I'm even confident enough I might re-apply to the volunteering organisation that turned me down recently as they didn't think I was ready now but I would be in 12 or 18 months, well I feel like saying to them sod that I’m ready now and I ain't taking no for a answer, although before i do anything i will talk to the two who kindly supplied me references and see what their take on it is.

I’ve waited long enough to be given a chance to do something, now is the time.

24th April the journey continues.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Day 48 of depressive episode: My thoughts: The worst has passed...for now.

The suicidal thoughts and feelings have lessened considerably since the last post, for now I only get them when I first wake up and its fleeting as by the time I’ve made myself a cup of tea they pass by.

So for now it appears the worst of this episode is over although the depression still has a firm grip and makes facing a new day unpleasant, I got so used to it though I barely notice it, that is until I need to make an effort then its anything from somewhat difficult to an ordeal depending on what I end up doing.

Why is the worst over? Not a lot has changed, in fact my circumstances have not changed and so it would seem odd I should feel a little better. There is two things I can point to, two small things at that but combined they replenish some of the emotional strength that gets sucked out during the episode.

Firstly, writing the post previous to this offered an outlet I did not have before, usually I don't really really talk about how I’m feeling or why beyond saying I ain't okay or making the odd facebook status saying I’m fed of this, that or the other, I certainly don't go into such detail.

Secondly, my beloved club Derby County won 2-0 away at Leeds United, an unexpected win as far as I was concerned I would have been happy with a draw, I didn't listen to the match nor the previous one (we drew 0-0 at home against Ipswich Town, I thought we would lose that one) this only happens when I’m feeling so low that I can't be bothered to listen.

So checking for the result as soon as I was able to get up and log on to my pc and seeing that result gave me a buzz for a short while, a good feeling as I’m sure any football supporter will tell you you get when your team pulls off something you don't expect, again not a major event but combined with the outlet it gave me something to feel better about.

Now that I have bounced away from rock bottom, maybe, just maybe, this episode will soon be over soon.

17th April the journey continues.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Day 37 of depressive episode: Suicidal thoughts turn up to offer a seemingly simple solution.

When I start asking myself “what's the point?” its the precursor to the suicidal thoughts and feelings becoming a gruesome fixture in what I already consider is a miserable existence.

As of now, long as I live in the vain hope of things getting better (which I have done for near on 17 years now) all that will continue is the constant rejections, disappointments, failures and pain, all of this ugly mixture is what can be called 'my life'.

With all things considered (however objective those considerations are given my state of mind currently) suicide is a perfectly rational action to take, after all my life was, is and will continue to be shit, why should I struggle on for goodness knows how long before I ultimately die anyway, save myself the time and suffering, end it now.

However I won't for two reasons.

Firstly, my Mother. My Mum is already carrying a lot of guilt about how she raised me, a couple of times she has stated to me “I know I’ve been a bad Mother” which is not true, I’ve tried to tell her she wasn't, she did the best she could under some difficult circumstances with little support from anyone else, including our 'family'. Me committing suicide would destroy her, I’m her only child.

Secondly, suicide is a form of control, as I say I can end it all if I want to but I choose not to, that's another form of control to me. Depression can distort my thoughts, it can reduce me to such a state I don't even take care of myself, want to cry all the time and wish I would just die.

In the midst of all this pain and hopelessness I eventually realised I do have some control, its a little victory not much, I have the power to go to death or let death come to me, despite everything I can still figure things out for myself, I have the resilience to survive this and I will.

6th April the journey continues.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

My thoughts: Day 32 of depressive episode; The week that was.

It began so well as I got a good score for my latest assignment and the selection day for the volunteer organisation could not have gone better...or so I thought. After five hours of various discussions, activities and finally a interview I was confident I would be invited for the initial training, in fact I expected to be invited.

The phone call came a couple of hours after and I was informed they would not be inviting me for the initial training as the they unanimously agreed I was not ready just yet and I probably would be in 12 or 18 months time, they want me to re-apply then.

At the moment this is a lifetime away as I face a confidence crisis, in addition that week I failed a telephone interview for a job and got a rejection email for another, the email one stinging a bit more as it me informs my application is unsuccessful at the current time as they have other applicants who fit their criteria better than me, for a fucking warehouse job!

Resigned to staying unemployed for the foreseeable future although I will keep trying the enthusiasm for job hunting is gone, in fact my enthusiasm for anything is gone I don't want to even try anything anymore, because (and this question must be one of, if not the most, asked among those of us struggling for whatever reason) what is the point?

In all this negativity often whatever good things might be happening can get swept aside or just don't have much influence on me, as I said at start I got a good score for my assignment with the Open Uni, that’s something at least.

1st April the journey continues.