A good run of depression-free months comes to an abrupt end today and the next 3 months at the very least I will be going to hell and back. While its the same old story with the same trigger for this episode (continuous and unrelenting stress) there is something different this time, 2 things in fact, I have a full time job to cope with and the fact that going into this I have never felt so alone and isolated in all my life.
I feel so disconnected with my closest friends right now, they have their own things to be dealing with and I can do nothing but 'be there for them' but despite a telephone call to a counsellor who tried to reassure me its all I can do and as I’m doing it I'm doing everything I can do, I felt screaming at her ITS NOT ENOUGH!! I didn't though it just didn't help to hear it from someone else, after all I know this and I have to come peace with it but I can't, in fact I won't.
Compounding this new episode is I’m also almost delirious with raging temperature (I’m heating up the room better than my radiator, not that difficult at all mind you) my vision is blurry, I’m dizzy and full of cold, yet in all likeliness I will have to go to work tomorrow (I really don't want to) however given my employer's sickness policy I got one more free day where I can take a sick day, any more before April and I’ll be pulled up on a disciplinary, now given I have mental health issues any official record of me taking sick days isn't going to look good especially when it comes to idiots who decide that those of us with mental health issues are really just skivers (and some employers do think this way and discriminate accordingly).
A big thank you to John for commentating on my previous post, means a lot I really mean that just hope this isn't too much of a downer for you. Derbiean will go marching on regardless of everything and fight the depression, after all what else I can do anyway?
22nd January the journey continues.