It has taken 6 years to
get where I am now, I have my own place, I’m in further education
and finally I got full time employment, yet I don't think I have felt
so scared in quite a long time. What do I have to be scared of? Well
quite simply its failing at this job, the 4 weeks of training are
over and as of Monday I will actually be doing the job in question
(well I started it briefly the previous Friday) me and a few others
from my group will have mentors for a further 4 weeks (called
consolidation) as we get upto speed.
The job has targets, not
unusual and I’ve had targets to keep to in my previous jobs however
what is different here is previously my targets were to do with stock
in warehouses or a company's stockroom, now the targets in question
involve in dealing with customers over the telephone, besides facing
my anxiety about dealing with people over the phone (can I understand
them, can they understand me etc.) if I make a mistake during a call
it has the potential to affect that person's life in an adverse way
(the flipside is I can help somebody) unfortunately as I am a mostly
'glass is half empty' kind of guy my natural reaction is to fear the
worst.
Basically I am at the
moment constantly scared of making a mistake and always doubting I
can really do this job and the thought occasionally occurs that I
fail here and get fired it will be a catastrophe as this is the first
full time job I’ve had since 2005 (7 years!) if I was worried
before about being viewed as a 'damaged employee' by a potential
employer then will be reinforced in my mind so much (self
stigmatization) would I recover from it?
I keep telling myself “so
don't fail, depression isn't here now, its upto you and you
alone...that’s what you wanted all along isn't it?” Fail and I
can't say its because I was depressed, succeed it won't be despite the
depression, its on me and me alone now, I guess that's what scares me
the most. Thankfully I’m in a supportive workplace especially the
training/consolidation group I am in, the next few weeks I expect
will be stressful so I should draw on the support available.
Saturday 8th
December 2012 the journey continues.