Tuesday, 12 March 2013

My thoughts: Day 48 Losing

Its getting on top of me now and the last few days the balance has tipped for the worst. So tired physically and psychologically I can't concentrate for any decent length of time and now I can't even recall basic things, this morning I called my employer's sick line to say I wasn't come in and the person asked me for a phone number for my teal leader to call me on later...i drew a blank and couldn't remember, in the end I guessed, too ashamed to say I couldn't remember (imagine tho if I gave the wrong number and my team leader used it?). In the event the deputy team leader called me on my mobile instead (don't if she tried the number I gave before, if she did she didn't say anything) and she again implored me to call their counselling line when I can't get to sleep at night.

To rewind a bit I had dragged myself into work yesterday after going to my local GP as I felt so bad when I woke up I decided I had go before tomorrow (Wednesday, I booked that day off) and get a blood test arranged to begin with to rule out any physical reason for how tired I am lately. In addition I mentioned to the GP (with trepidation) about the night terrors I sometimes get, I’d mentioned it previously but nobody took it seriously in its own right, the last mental health professionals insisting its part of my depression and its that we (they) should concentrate on, the last GP I mentioned it to simply dismissed it as being normal...yeah me waking screaming the place down, soaked in sweat and lashing out at things I’m still dreaming about (despite being awake, just not fully conscious) and thats when I can REMEMBER what it is that has gotten me so terrified in the first place, often the only indicators I have I had an episode of a night terror when I don't recall having one is unexplained markings on my body and that I feel especially aggressive for the rest of the day.

The GP at least took on board what I said and gave me the PTS (Psychological Therapies Service) handout to call them in regards to my night terrors, my experience of dealing with them isn't good but I figure at this point I don't have much of a choice but to try them again, after all what is going on is affecting my ability to my job, while I can't be blamed for that I can be blamed if I don't take steps to rectify it.

It hasn't been unnoticed by others either that I’m struggling, my team leader and deputy team leader in particular. After getting into work yesterday after visiting the GP we had a quick meeting just so I could update the deputy team leader on what is happening, she was keen to refer me to the occupational health people (Atos Healthcare, god help me) so said yes to it but I honestly don't expect they will be able to help and only because it won't go on record anywhere I was referred to them.

She was also keen to find out what it is that is bothering so much, I didn't know what to tell her other than I didn't really know, I have previously said the stress of working full time isn't helping as I have to cope with it alongside everything else, I didn't tell her that as it feels as though I’m assigning blame, not to mention I already have fears of future prospective employers deciding that I cannot in fact cope with working full time.

I had to fight back tears during the meeting, she was being supportive (or trying to be) and I wasn't honest with her, also I felt ashamed I do in fact need support and I’m ashamed that I’ve taken it, I feel like I’m not coping, I feel weak and I feel like I’ve let the depression win again, most of all it makes me a hypocrite as I’ve told do many people so many times there is no shame in reaching for help and support when you are struggling, as you shouldn't cope alone and it doesn't make you weak, that's exactly what I tried to do and I’ve failed.

12th March 2013 the journey continues.