Tuesday, 26 February 2013

My Thoughts: Day 34 of depressive episode Attrition

After a mini recovery during a week or so after the Friday its back to the attrition that inevitably arises with depression. The familiar pattern is there, sleep has become lacking and the little I get is often disturbed as it is broken as thoughts become like monster tornadoes causing an almighty whirlwind of noise of many bad things from my past I simply cannot keep locked away, unstable emotional responses ranging from rage (strong desire to strike back at people who had hurt me, violence prevalent in many of the fantasies I have of what I would do in this state) to despair (hopelessness of my life, Kelly still tormenting me over my failures, my inability to form any semblance of a romantic attachment).

So far my appetite has held fast and is probably (in combination with the weekend breaks from work) the only thing thats giving me the energy (the little I have got) to drag my weary carcass into work day after day when all I want to do curl up into a ball and stay hidden from the world in the laughable hope that everything and everyone would forget I actually exist and I have no obligation to do anything anymore.

The hardest part so far is travelling to work. So tired when I wake up I just dont have anything to get up and do the basic stuff that I should do, like take a shower, have a shave, have a cup of tea and some breakfast, nope I do none of this I scramble when I have only 10 minutes left before my bus arrives, its bloody freezing for me first thing in the morning and this no doubt isn't helped by my lack of sleep. In particular I sometimes wonder if I should just throw myself under the next lorry that passes by, this isn't really a serious suicidal tendency its just me wondering why I’m stood or walking in the cold, tired, hungry and miserable dreading the prospect of working for the next 7 and half hours.

I wonder about just calling in sick and facing the disciplinary to justify why I’ve had taken 4 days off sick since I started working for them, I mean fuck it with all the shit I’m going through they won't have a leg to stand on and will only embarrass themselves, even in this state (often I’m on autopilot during calls, I don't even need the script anymore I got it memorized word for word, often I don't even remember saying half of the bloody things I’ve said when I actually force myself to stop and ask myself what I remember about the call I been on for the past 10 minutes) I’m still performing better than what was expected of me.

Only I fear it'll become a habit, besides which I’ve lost so much time to this damned illness already why should it win out yet again? Not this time I struggled for so long to get where I am, the only way depression is going to stop me now is if it actually kills me.

Yet the worst part of all this is knowing this is no where near the worst this can get. This is only moderate, it could get severe before the end of April (when my employment contract runs out) I’m struggling now, if it becomes severe my appetite will disappear, sleep will become non-existent and suicidal thoughts will be constant and unrelenting day and night, in addition to the minor things like my mood being persistently very low for a greater length of time.

I could say I don't know how I will cope if it happens but I know I will as I’ve survived so many episodes before with each one hardening me with each survival, its simply seeing who has the resilience and courage to hold out longer than the other, if history is anything to go by then depression will lose this one...again.

26th February 2013 the journey continues. 

Thursday, 7 February 2013

My Thoughts: Day 15 of depressive episode: Collapse

The last two days my mood has collapsed.


i took a gamble on something good happening and what happens instead is the opposite...bad. Yesterday and today have absolutely brutal to get through as the depression is biting hard and i have to get through a full day at work constantly talking to people, some taking out their problems on me and others who are truly in an awful situation. Its not all bad though some do actually take the time to thank me at the end of the calls.

I said previously in a post i knew i was going to through hell soon enough but i didn't realise how quickly i was going to enter it, this is only day 15 its frightening how quickly I've descended, already i'm wanting to curl up into a ball and just hide from everything and everyone. I'm exhausted right now and i got one more day of work before the weekend to get through and i am dreading it, i don't want to go, i don't want to do anything right now but just hide in my place.

Unfortunately if i did that (as far as I'm concerned i would have every right, screw my employer they have no idea how bad this is, not a god damn clue) the long term consequences for my employability will be dire as it'll appear i can't handle the stress of working full time (granted its not helping me right now) and I've no intention of being reliant on crappy benefits for years on end like last time just because potential employers get scared shitless when the words 'mental health issues' get mentioned about my big gap of unemployment.

Life is crap as i got something to fight for but I'm fed up of it, i don't want to fight i don't even know if its bloody worth it anymore but what i want doesn't matter, its always something that gets in the way;

I don't want depression - i got it anyway
I don't want nightmares and night terrors - i get them anyway
I don't want to fight - i have to
I want to give up - i can't
I don't want to hurt anymore - i do
I wanted to cry for the homeless man without a penny to his name - i couldn't.

This is going to get so much worse before it gets better.

7th February 2013...the journey continues.


Saturday, 2 February 2013

My thoughts: Latest depressive episode day 10: Deterioration

The unrelenting stress continues to pound away at me physically and emotionally, so far little damage is done, hell I can even appear to be happy, laughing and full of life, as though it isn’t there.

But it is.

The usual pattern is at work here, my immune system bears the brunt of it all, it becomes weakened to the point I catch everything going, this year I got the flu and if that wasn't enough this flu has now triggered off a problem with my sinus, leaving the right side of my face in a good deal of pain for most of the day, consequently I feel like crap all the time (physically) and eventually it impacts on me psychologically.

So far the depression is mild and is often only fleeting in the moments its having, the odd thought about how wrong this is all going to go, the worst is yet to come. Notwithstanding throughout the flu during its first week I ended up having to allow a relative to stay with me and stay hidden from the rest of the family after a huge row that broke out which ended up with the relative in question being allegedly assaulted by another, however true to form I’m helpless to confront the aggressor in question as I’ve been made to promise I would stay out of it.

In addition informing my team leader at work that an episode has just begun is looking as though it going to backfire as the leader falsely attributed part of the reason I had two days off work (due to the flu polaxing me for those days) due to the depression...they put on the 'welcome back' form that I was 'very depressed' despite me making it clear it was the flu that kept me off work and nothing else. I mean blimey, if they think I’m very depressed now they going to be in for a rude shock when I get there. In fairness the team leader is trying to be supportive its just bemusing to me that they put very depressed on that form, they at least agreed to remove the word very when I pointed I'm only mildly depressed.

My appetite is going down making eating an unwanted but necessary chore, I procrastinated on my Open University assignments so much I’ve wrote them whole on deadline day, last month I still scored 70%, this time I doubt very much I’ll manage that and at the moment on I’m on the path to a self fulfilled prophecy if I don't pull my finger out and actually study this course. Hell I don't even feel better talking about anything any more, either I’m feeling guilty for letting others know what is going on with me or I feel I’m just seeking attention by doing it (then again what else to do, I tried suffering in silence it doesn't work unless you can lie to yourself convincingly).

In a state of deterioration physically and emotionally, unless something changes its going to continue all the way to severe depression and suicidal ideation. This week could very well see arrive at the next stage...moderate depression, however having read what I have put here I’m wondering if I’m actually there already?  Pushing on i cannot escape...

2nd February 2013 the journey continues.