Sunday, 26 February 2012

My thoughts: Latest depressive episode.

Meh, it was only a matter of time before I go through another depressive episode, I expect it I accept it for the most part. The worst of it for me is not exactly knowing the trigger of them, yesterday morning and this morning, low energy, no motivation to get off the sofa, the empty feeling (that has nothing to do with food), the dread of facing a new day and the overwhelming sadness have all returned to earmark the new episode.

Why am I depressed? I've asked this twice as I woke up and lay on the sofa for a bit and i haven't got a definite trigger i can identify and say "ah this is why".  Best i can say for the moment is i don't believe it is due to a single factor, i reckon it is a small number of things that have combined into a trigger and took me unaware.

My beloved football club is going through a bad run of form and lately I've not looked forward to listening and watching the matches. I've gotten no where in my quest for full employment my last interview for a vacancy being last September and just now I'm struggling with my latest Open University course assignment.

Also with those three i don't see anything changing for the moment, the negative train of thought "my club won't be successful anytime soon, i won't get a job anytime soon and I'm not as intelligent as i thought i was" is turning into a vicious cycle, which i have to stop.

Well can't do anything about the club, can only apply for jobs and hope for the best so for the immediate future I'll be grimly determined to complete and submit my latest assignment (6th March is the deadline for submission) and get a good (or at the very least, passable) score for it.

As all of the above is entirely subjective it is probable I've missed something, times like this i do actually miss the guidance of a mental health professional, someone who would see things I am blinded to.

Still I'll carry on regardless, the journey continues.

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