18
months have passed since our latest separation your not here yet I
talk to you all the time as you are a part of me and always will be,
you are my soulmate I know you, I desire you, I accept you. My
failures towards you diminish me as a person the pain, emptiness and
torment arising from them will never go away.
A
summary of how I feel from the heart about Kelly since I saw her on
the 24th
July (we didn't talk and she didn't see me, any inclination of going
after her got stamped out owing to a anxiety attack and she wasn't
alone she was walking with a man) since then I’ve been reeling from
the explosion of feelings and thoughts about her.
Incidentally
this occurred only minutes before I was due to go into a job
interview...where I did well enough to be placed on a waiting list
for a vacancy to open up.
Having
only 2 hours sleep the night previously its no surprise i succumbed
to an attack in fact with the benefit of hindsight it was inevitable
however difficult the 24th July was it were only the beginning where
the conflict I’m going through is tearing me apart.
Times
are I pine for her so badly as the emptiness I’ve felt since she
left me that day keeps gnawing away at me, I end up idealising about
her being back in my life. On the flip side I keep remembering all of
the crap she put me through (including dreams which make the very
unsubtle point that despite us being involved in a sexual
relationship Kelly never intended to be in a committed relationship
with me, in fact as to the rest of the world was concerned to her we
were only friends).
So
the questions that keep going round and round in my head:
Why
keep idealising about someone who does not feel the same way as you
do?
How
the hell do I move on from her? Its been 18 months for crying out
loud and she's still in my head.
But
as I regard as my soulmate...so I should at least try to make it work
with her? (like you didn't try before?)
If
I don't try at least once does it mean I am a coward?
Has
she truly given up on me?
Or
is she too scared to get back in touch?
I
don't know what to do right now also I'm not sure which scares me
more; the prospect that conflict will never end for me or I have no
idea how deal with it.
11th August 2012 the journey continues.
11th August 2012 the journey continues.
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