Sunday, 21 April 2013

Day 88: My thoughts: When night terrors and anxiety attacks...

Friday 19th got off to a very bad start, within minutes of the beginning of the new date i had a night terror where I saw some kind of creature crawling on the wall close to where I was resting my head on the pillow, I’ve no idea what it was supposed to be as in my shock of seeing something (which only exists in my mind as i haven't realised by this point I’m actually awake )suddenly appear, i used the duvet to to crush it against the wall, at first it appears as though I have crushed this thing as theres some dark substance smeared across the wall...normally I’ve regained full consciousness by this point and realised what happened, didn’t. Only the creature is still alive and has now crawled into a gap in my duvet, now I’m panicking as I can't see this thing and I’m afraid its going to crawl onto my face if I go back to sleep, finally at some point I’ve woken up and realised its a dream, I'm trying to calm down, my hearts threatening to explode its going so bloody fast and hard, i'm telling myself I’m fine nothings happened yet I remain feeling a sense of dread as I go back to sleep.

That was bad enough but the next nightmare I was to have (that I remember) made a mockery of it. Through all the dreams I was having at what seemed like a million miles an hour all one fast never-ending blur when everything slows down and I have a female voice say to me “(friend's name) has been murdered” this friend I have known since I was 15 years old and I regard him more than a close friend he's family to me, now obviously in this nightmare I’m really upset and the overwhelming feeling of grief hits me, whoever told me this isn't there anymore, its just me in my flat and I try to call my Mother first and then somebody else (don't know who) but none answer, I begin crying as I need to talk to somebody, to tell them what's happened to my dear friend, i'm alone with the knowledge of something incomprehensibly awful.

And the worst is yet to come.

Now I’m in a street at night time watching a taxi slowdown in the middle of the road, I recognise the street, its where I lived for a few years some time ago, this friend of mine lived with me for a year or so during a difficult time of his life. He's in the backseat of the quickly dawns on me the full horror of what I’m about to see.

My friend being murdered.

The driver (only thing of him I can recall is him wearing a grey polo shirt) locks the doors electronically, the sound of the door catches all thumping downwards, the driver turns and moves towards my friend, who isn't moving, its as though he's paralysed, the driver is almost on top of him and I’m privy to his final thoughts before he dies, firstly that he's going to die at the hands of the driver and secondly that I am nowhere to be seen...

And so I wake up late and I got 10 minutes to get dressed, have a quick wash, grab my stuff and get out of the door to catch the bus to work, which I manage and I haven't thought about the second nightmare really, at first I’m too busy rushing to get out on time and when i'm on the bus I got my walkman blasting music into earphones, I do briefly ask myself the question of why the fuck I would dream about something like that but I can't even begin to identify a trigger for that.

Off the bus I have a 15 minute walk to my workplace, the music is still going but by now the adrenaline is helping to walk very quickly and I’m hyper vigilante, scowling at every passer by as though they are threat to me, part of me wishing for somebody to give me the slightest excuse to unleash the aggression that is straining within me. I get into sainsburys to buy myself a sandwich (as I didn’t have time to make my own) and I go for a meal deal, or so I thought, I picked 2 other items, a drink and a snack to go with the sandwich, a meal deal that is supposed to cost £3 but I end up being charged at the self service checkout for £4.46, now I’m sure the previous day I got the same items and it cost me £3, initially annoyed by this I just told myself to stop being a mardy miserable prick and just get on with it, what difference is £1.46 going to make anyway? So get out a tenner and feed it into the note spits back out my tenner, well okay the tenner was folded in one corner so correct that and put it back, nope it still spits out my tenner, its not accepting it.

“fuck this!” I snatched the note back and left the items I was going to buy on the checkout and stomp out. I get to work and turns out theres an I.T issue which means we have to work around it and I just can't be doing with it even so the changes are simple enough and its no big deal, yet i'm enraged by this point, first the checkout machine wont take my money and now this bullshit at work.

So after some minutes (7 or 8 maybe?) I’ve finally calmed down, the anger is gone, the adrenaline is gone and I’m okay now...actually I’m not, I’m at the mercy of the anxiety that is about flood over me.

The thoughts of the nightmare I had begin to crawl back into my mind, I’m just staring into space waiting for a customer to come through to my line and the feelings that linger from the nightmare are now making themselves known as the anger is no longer there to suppress it, I can feel the tears welling up and I try to hold it all back but its no use, the first couple trickle out and the floodgates open, the deputy team leader notices after borrowing a document to photocopy from my desk, she's asking me whats wrong and I cannot get any words out as i'm just sobbing away, eventually I manage to get up from my chair and half run into a empty training room, where I half collapsed to the floor and carried on bawling away meekly telling her that I was sorry, finally managing to say to my deputy team leader about the nightmare I had (or rather I just vaguely said I had a nightmare about a friend of my mine being murdered, how can I possibly explain the whole thing, it seemed absurd to me, it just wouldn't make sense to anyone else and it still probably doesn't).

So its established my friend works in the same place and my deputy team leader asked if it would helped if I knew he was in work that day, I said yes and she went off to find out (in fact my friend came to see me a few minutes later, he was told by her I was upset and we talked for a bit, I didnt tell him the full story of it either, I didn’t know how to even begin trying to explain it, it just seems so..wrong somehow.

Seeing the state I was in (altho I had managed to stop crying by this point but it was obvious I had been) he told me for one thing I shouldn't be at work given how I’m feeling as it would the last place I wanted be and that I was invited to stop over with him at his place for the night when he returns from having a drink with a colleague so I’m not alone (turns out I’d be invited to the drink later as he was concerned about me being alone for too long), after getting over the initial overbearing anxiety I felt on the bus on the way to meeting with him I actually had a good time.

Its Sunday morning now and the feelings from the night terrors haven't disappeared, the feelings are still there and its difficult to explain, after all I know the terrors are not real, the creature didn’t exist, I didn’t smear it over the wall and it didn’t crawl into my duvet, my friend wasn't murdered, I know this and yet the horrible feelings from them linger and whats really frustrating is I can't work out the trigger for them, the CBT therapy I’m going for at the end of May seem a long time away.

21st April 2013 the journey continues.

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