Saturday, 13 April 2013

My thoughts day 80 of depressive episde: Its still going, guilt and CBT.

A month on from my previous post and while things improved for a couple of weeks, to the point where i believed this episode was over (the last week though has shown it most certainly is not, now i feel like such an idiot for publicly saying it was over) however things just keep coming up adding to the stress I'm under.

Yesterday i went to see my Grandfather (the closest thing i've had to an father) for the first time in over four years (with the one exception when i saw him on the bus and spoke to him some months previously) for two reasons. Firstly he got injured by a startled horse that bolted out from the stable and trod on him, leaving him with a fractured eye socket and cheekbone as well badly hurting his leg. However its the second reason that i mostly went for.

Recently a court had ordered that my Grandfather must sell the house as part of the divorce proceedings. Standard stuff but was also ordered to give 50% of his private pension to my Grandmother, a ruling that has outraged the entire family, of course he can appeal the ruling but he won't, he's a broken, depressed old man who doesn't see the point of fighting a system that is biased against him. (a minor matter, the marriage ended after my Grandmother was caught by my Mother having an affair with my Grandfather's best friend). Granted my Grandfather was a long way from being the best husband or father in the world but he wasn't evil, abusive or anything of the sort and doesn't deserve what's happened to him.

Anyway, my Mother told me that he intended to give me some of the money he would get from selling the house. So i went to tell him i don't want the money from him for the simple reason that by the time the courts, solictors and my Grandmother are done with him he'll have little or nothing left and the whole thing leaves a really bad taste in my mouth, i just can't accept it and i won't no matter how much my mum tells me that i deserve some money from him (i don't, i haven't seen him properly in over 4 years for fuck's sake).

Its bad enough knowing that people are crawling out of the woodwork as they know my Grandmother is coming into some money (my Grandfather's best friend in particular). I already feel guilty about going to see him for the first time in ages to just tell him i don't want his money but i know i'll feel a damn sight bloody worse if i stay quiet and just take the money, i just hope he doesn't think its because i hate him and want nothing to do with him, the reason i never go to see him is because its very painful to see what has happened to my Grandfather over the years.

For now of the 27th of this month my full time employment will end unless i get something else lined up and so far i haven't, I'm still undecided on what i should do, on the one hand i want to get into working in the Mental Health sector and its likely i would need to do some voluntary work to get some experience, i don't want to sign on for JSA and be at the mercy of the DWP and in particular the Jobcentre Plus staff. On the other hand whilst getting another job would ensure i stay out of their clutches, however I'm soon to be 29 years of age and really feel like i need to make the career shift now.

What may or may not complicate matters (besides depression) are my night terrors, now i got an appointment to see a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapist) in May about them but really don't feel its going to be of much help, so far when i talk to people almost all end up trivalising it to the point i feel like telling them i'm not a fucking child thats having bad dreams here, i'm having nightmares where i experience the sheer terror of people trying to hurt or kill me (that is when i remember them, often i don't remeber what it was thats got me woken up in the middle of night feeling utterly terrified), i wake up lashing out and screaming at things that are not there.

Who knows though maybe this CBT will work, i have to try don't i, what else can i do?

13th April 2013, the journey continues.

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