Sunday, 8 December 2013

Depression: 10 Months and out, Sleep Terrors: We're still here!

Its odd to realise that you are no longer in the midst of a depressive episode. i only noticed a few days ago and thinking about it it seems to have ended in the beginning of November, usually i would know given how severe the depression was, perhaps i did not notice this time as it was mild and it disappeared quietly.

The timing is interesting too as normally this is the time of year for it begin rather than end, in any case this episode lasted 10 months which is rather longer than my average ones and the last time i had an episode that lasted so long was back in 2006 when i had my breakdown and stayed in a severe and suicidal state for around 18 months.

However the sleep terrors haven't gone, I've had a couple over the last month and the cause cannot be attributed to the depression or anxiety as i was neither depressed or anxious (cue a psychotherapist: "you've repressed something and its coming out via the sleep terrors!") entirely possible but there is no evidence of that so the causes remain unknown for the time being.

Also a small point, I'm certain these sleep terrors began before i was 11 years old, the significance being the depression started at that age, the psychotherapists i saw back in 2007 maintained their opinion the depression is the cause, i was never convinced and I've got a couple of fleeting memories that existed before i was 11, one where i was maybe 5 or 6 where i was at my grandparents and was lying on the sofa, it was early in the morning and they had called a GP out to see me, i remember screaming and crying, i was ill but don't recall what the illness was.

A second one, this time i was maybe 8 or 9, i woke up in my bedroom at my grandparents where i stayed when my Mother worked night shifts, it was pitch black and i was terrified, i screamed, screamed and screamed for what seemed like a long time before my uncle came rushing in, he must have been there a while for suddenly i remember the lights were on and he was trying to console me, i was sobbing uncontrollably, my grandparents were at the door, i don't remember anything after that.

These were very isolated incidents at that age, the older I've grown the terrors have slowly increased in frequency, no doubt the depression, anxiety and a few incidents in my life have contributed to it but not the cause, trouble is is getting the mental health professionals to accept it, they tend to fixate on what appears to be the obvious cause, though at some point i will try again to see one to establish the cause of these bloody things, for i feel these terrors are now a bigger threat to my psychological state than the depression as i have good handle on how and why that occurs but how do you combat something as mysterious as what i have described?

8th December 2013, the journey continues.

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