Monday, 7 October 2013

Dear Kelly...

I feel condemned by you for what others did to you, all the self sacrificing patience and forgiveness over the years was for nothing. Why though? I wasn't the guy who promised you the world and left you, the same guy who poured hot coffee over you over an argument, the same guy who manipulated you into having a threesome with himself and someone else (after trying to involve me, I refused).

I wasn't the step father who raped you when she was 14, the same creature who abused your Mother in every way possible until she ended up committed to a psychiatric unit for over a decade. I wasn't those social workers who allowed it all to happen. I wasn't all those others who were happy to use you for sex even when you said we could be fuck buddies, I told you I wanted more than that, I wanted to commit to you, commit to bringing up your child with you, you said I'd make a great boyfriend and I was a good father figure for your child....yet you deemed me unworthy WHY??

Because i was sexually inexperienced? Because I wasn't able to do what others did as I was/am terrified of the intimacy involved?? Why didn't you help me? Why when I told you I feared you would lose patience with me you did exactly that? Why did you take my virginity and then tell me you were making up your mind on whether to be with or another guy? Why did you go to him? He called you self obsessed, he refused to deal with the problems he had, why did you choose him over me? Because he was a single parent too?? How could you do this to me, what did I do to deserve it??

I thought it was you who sat next to me at the Derby v Leeds football match last Saturday and for a good hour and 15 minutes i was afraid until i realised it wasn't you just someone who resembled you! Why after almost 3 fucking years can't I just move on from you?? Why when I started my full time job last November did I wonder if you would be proud of me why the fuck should I care, you're gone and you ain’t ever coming back.

Only I’m afraid if you ever did get in touch again I’d weaken when you'd tell me how sorry you are, what a good man I am, I deserved better, how lovely I am, how much your child misses me and the really frightening thing is I’ll fall for it, I’ll tell myself again it'll be different this time, I'm at my most vulnerable around you, you know this and you exploit it, but why?? To make yourself feel better about what was done to you?

Happy Birthday by the way, I always remembered it, of course you hardly ever remembered mine but what the hell.

7th October 2013, the journey continues.

No comments:

Post a Comment