When I start asking myself “what's the point?” its the precursor to the suicidal thoughts and feelings becoming a gruesome fixture in what I already consider is a miserable existence.
As of now, long as I live in the vain
hope of things getting better (which I have done for near on 17 years
now) all that will continue is the constant rejections,
disappointments, failures and pain, all of this ugly mixture is what can be called
'my life'.
With all things considered (however
objective those considerations are given my state of mind currently)
suicide is a perfectly rational action to take, after all my life
was, is and will continue to be shit, why should I struggle on for
goodness knows how long before I ultimately die anyway, save myself
the time and suffering, end it now.
However I won't for two reasons.
Firstly, my Mother. My Mum is already
carrying a lot of guilt about how she raised me, a couple of times
she has stated to me “I know I’ve been a bad Mother” which is
not true, I’ve tried to tell her she wasn't, she did the best she
could under some difficult circumstances with little support from
anyone else, including our 'family'. Me committing suicide would
destroy her, I’m her only child.
Secondly, suicide is a form of control,
as I say I can end it all if I want to but I choose not to, that's
another form of control to me. Depression can distort my thoughts, it
can reduce me to such a state I don't even take care of myself, want
to cry all the time and wish I would just die.
In the midst of all this pain and
hopelessness I eventually realised I do have some control, its a little
victory not much, I have the power to go to death or let death come
to me, despite everything I can still figure things out for myself, I
have the resilience to survive this and I will.
6th April the journey
continues.
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