Friday, 6 April 2012

Day 37 of depressive episode: Suicidal thoughts turn up to offer a seemingly simple solution.

When I start asking myself “what's the point?” its the precursor to the suicidal thoughts and feelings becoming a gruesome fixture in what I already consider is a miserable existence.

As of now, long as I live in the vain hope of things getting better (which I have done for near on 17 years now) all that will continue is the constant rejections, disappointments, failures and pain, all of this ugly mixture is what can be called 'my life'.

With all things considered (however objective those considerations are given my state of mind currently) suicide is a perfectly rational action to take, after all my life was, is and will continue to be shit, why should I struggle on for goodness knows how long before I ultimately die anyway, save myself the time and suffering, end it now.

However I won't for two reasons.

Firstly, my Mother. My Mum is already carrying a lot of guilt about how she raised me, a couple of times she has stated to me “I know I’ve been a bad Mother” which is not true, I’ve tried to tell her she wasn't, she did the best she could under some difficult circumstances with little support from anyone else, including our 'family'. Me committing suicide would destroy her, I’m her only child.

Secondly, suicide is a form of control, as I say I can end it all if I want to but I choose not to, that's another form of control to me. Depression can distort my thoughts, it can reduce me to such a state I don't even take care of myself, want to cry all the time and wish I would just die.

In the midst of all this pain and hopelessness I eventually realised I do have some control, its a little victory not much, I have the power to go to death or let death come to me, despite everything I can still figure things out for myself, I have the resilience to survive this and I will.

6th April the journey continues.

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