Thursday, 7 February 2013

My Thoughts: Day 15 of depressive episode: Collapse

The last two days my mood has collapsed.


i took a gamble on something good happening and what happens instead is the opposite...bad. Yesterday and today have absolutely brutal to get through as the depression is biting hard and i have to get through a full day at work constantly talking to people, some taking out their problems on me and others who are truly in an awful situation. Its not all bad though some do actually take the time to thank me at the end of the calls.

I said previously in a post i knew i was going to through hell soon enough but i didn't realise how quickly i was going to enter it, this is only day 15 its frightening how quickly I've descended, already i'm wanting to curl up into a ball and just hide from everything and everyone. I'm exhausted right now and i got one more day of work before the weekend to get through and i am dreading it, i don't want to go, i don't want to do anything right now but just hide in my place.

Unfortunately if i did that (as far as I'm concerned i would have every right, screw my employer they have no idea how bad this is, not a god damn clue) the long term consequences for my employability will be dire as it'll appear i can't handle the stress of working full time (granted its not helping me right now) and I've no intention of being reliant on crappy benefits for years on end like last time just because potential employers get scared shitless when the words 'mental health issues' get mentioned about my big gap of unemployment.

Life is crap as i got something to fight for but I'm fed up of it, i don't want to fight i don't even know if its bloody worth it anymore but what i want doesn't matter, its always something that gets in the way;

I don't want depression - i got it anyway
I don't want nightmares and night terrors - i get them anyway
I don't want to fight - i have to
I want to give up - i can't
I don't want to hurt anymore - i do
I wanted to cry for the homeless man without a penny to his name - i couldn't.

This is going to get so much worse before it gets better.

7th February 2013...the journey continues.


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