Saturday, 2 February 2013

My thoughts: Latest depressive episode day 10: Deterioration

The unrelenting stress continues to pound away at me physically and emotionally, so far little damage is done, hell I can even appear to be happy, laughing and full of life, as though it isn’t there.

But it is.

The usual pattern is at work here, my immune system bears the brunt of it all, it becomes weakened to the point I catch everything going, this year I got the flu and if that wasn't enough this flu has now triggered off a problem with my sinus, leaving the right side of my face in a good deal of pain for most of the day, consequently I feel like crap all the time (physically) and eventually it impacts on me psychologically.

So far the depression is mild and is often only fleeting in the moments its having, the odd thought about how wrong this is all going to go, the worst is yet to come. Notwithstanding throughout the flu during its first week I ended up having to allow a relative to stay with me and stay hidden from the rest of the family after a huge row that broke out which ended up with the relative in question being allegedly assaulted by another, however true to form I’m helpless to confront the aggressor in question as I’ve been made to promise I would stay out of it.

In addition informing my team leader at work that an episode has just begun is looking as though it going to backfire as the leader falsely attributed part of the reason I had two days off work (due to the flu polaxing me for those days) due to the depression...they put on the 'welcome back' form that I was 'very depressed' despite me making it clear it was the flu that kept me off work and nothing else. I mean blimey, if they think I’m very depressed now they going to be in for a rude shock when I get there. In fairness the team leader is trying to be supportive its just bemusing to me that they put very depressed on that form, they at least agreed to remove the word very when I pointed I'm only mildly depressed.

My appetite is going down making eating an unwanted but necessary chore, I procrastinated on my Open University assignments so much I’ve wrote them whole on deadline day, last month I still scored 70%, this time I doubt very much I’ll manage that and at the moment on I’m on the path to a self fulfilled prophecy if I don't pull my finger out and actually study this course. Hell I don't even feel better talking about anything any more, either I’m feeling guilty for letting others know what is going on with me or I feel I’m just seeking attention by doing it (then again what else to do, I tried suffering in silence it doesn't work unless you can lie to yourself convincingly).

In a state of deterioration physically and emotionally, unless something changes its going to continue all the way to severe depression and suicidal ideation. This week could very well see arrive at the next stage...moderate depression, however having read what I have put here I’m wondering if I’m actually there already?  Pushing on i cannot escape...

2nd February 2013 the journey continues.

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