Tuesday, 26 February 2013

My Thoughts: Day 34 of depressive episode Attrition

After a mini recovery during a week or so after the Friday its back to the attrition that inevitably arises with depression. The familiar pattern is there, sleep has become lacking and the little I get is often disturbed as it is broken as thoughts become like monster tornadoes causing an almighty whirlwind of noise of many bad things from my past I simply cannot keep locked away, unstable emotional responses ranging from rage (strong desire to strike back at people who had hurt me, violence prevalent in many of the fantasies I have of what I would do in this state) to despair (hopelessness of my life, Kelly still tormenting me over my failures, my inability to form any semblance of a romantic attachment).

So far my appetite has held fast and is probably (in combination with the weekend breaks from work) the only thing thats giving me the energy (the little I have got) to drag my weary carcass into work day after day when all I want to do curl up into a ball and stay hidden from the world in the laughable hope that everything and everyone would forget I actually exist and I have no obligation to do anything anymore.

The hardest part so far is travelling to work. So tired when I wake up I just dont have anything to get up and do the basic stuff that I should do, like take a shower, have a shave, have a cup of tea and some breakfast, nope I do none of this I scramble when I have only 10 minutes left before my bus arrives, its bloody freezing for me first thing in the morning and this no doubt isn't helped by my lack of sleep. In particular I sometimes wonder if I should just throw myself under the next lorry that passes by, this isn't really a serious suicidal tendency its just me wondering why I’m stood or walking in the cold, tired, hungry and miserable dreading the prospect of working for the next 7 and half hours.

I wonder about just calling in sick and facing the disciplinary to justify why I’ve had taken 4 days off sick since I started working for them, I mean fuck it with all the shit I’m going through they won't have a leg to stand on and will only embarrass themselves, even in this state (often I’m on autopilot during calls, I don't even need the script anymore I got it memorized word for word, often I don't even remember saying half of the bloody things I’ve said when I actually force myself to stop and ask myself what I remember about the call I been on for the past 10 minutes) I’m still performing better than what was expected of me.

Only I fear it'll become a habit, besides which I’ve lost so much time to this damned illness already why should it win out yet again? Not this time I struggled for so long to get where I am, the only way depression is going to stop me now is if it actually kills me.

Yet the worst part of all this is knowing this is no where near the worst this can get. This is only moderate, it could get severe before the end of April (when my employment contract runs out) I’m struggling now, if it becomes severe my appetite will disappear, sleep will become non-existent and suicidal thoughts will be constant and unrelenting day and night, in addition to the minor things like my mood being persistently very low for a greater length of time.

I could say I don't know how I will cope if it happens but I know I will as I’ve survived so many episodes before with each one hardening me with each survival, its simply seeing who has the resilience and courage to hold out longer than the other, if history is anything to go by then depression will lose this one...again.

26th February 2013 the journey continues. 

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