After a mini recovery
during a week or so after the Friday its back to the
attrition that inevitably arises with depression. The familiar
pattern is there, sleep has become lacking and the little I get is
often disturbed as it is broken as thoughts become like monster
tornadoes causing an almighty whirlwind of noise of many bad things
from my past I simply cannot keep locked away, unstable emotional
responses ranging from rage (strong desire to strike back at people
who had hurt me, violence prevalent in many of the fantasies I have
of what I would do in this state) to despair (hopelessness of my
life, Kelly still tormenting me over my failures, my inability to
form any semblance of a romantic attachment).
So far my appetite has
held fast and is probably (in combination with the weekend breaks
from work) the only thing thats giving me the energy (the little I
have got) to drag my weary carcass into work day after day when all I
want to do curl up into a ball and stay hidden from the world in the
laughable hope that everything and everyone would forget I actually
exist and I have no obligation to do anything anymore.
The hardest part so far is
travelling to work. So tired when I wake up I just dont have anything
to get up and do the basic stuff that I should do, like take a
shower, have a shave, have a cup of tea and some breakfast, nope I do
none of this I scramble when I have only 10 minutes left before my
bus arrives, its bloody freezing for me first thing in the morning
and this no doubt isn't helped by my lack of sleep. In particular I
sometimes wonder if I should just throw myself under the next lorry
that passes by, this isn't really a serious suicidal tendency its
just me wondering why I’m stood or walking in the cold, tired,
hungry and miserable dreading the prospect of working for the next 7
and half hours.
I wonder about just
calling in sick and facing the disciplinary to justify why I’ve had
taken 4 days off sick since I started working for them, I mean fuck
it with all the shit I’m going through they won't have a leg to
stand on and will only embarrass themselves, even in this state
(often I’m on autopilot during calls, I don't even need the script
anymore I got it memorized word for word, often I don't even remember
saying half of the bloody things I’ve said when I actually force
myself to stop and ask myself what I remember about the call I been
on for the past 10 minutes) I’m still performing better than what
was expected of me.
Only I fear it'll become a
habit, besides which I’ve lost so much time to this damned illness
already why should it win out yet again? Not this time I struggled
for so long to get where I am, the only way depression is going to
stop me now is if it actually kills me.
Yet the worst part of all
this is knowing this is no where near the worst this can get. This is
only moderate, it could get severe before the end of April (when my
employment contract runs out) I’m struggling now, if it becomes
severe my appetite will disappear,
sleep will become non-existent and suicidal thoughts will be constant
and unrelenting day and night, in addition to the minor things like my mood being persistently very low for a greater length of time.
I could say I don't know
how I will cope if it happens but I know I will as I’ve survived so
many episodes before with each one hardening me with each survival,
its simply seeing who has the resilience and courage to hold out
longer than the other, if history is anything to go by then
depression will lose this one...again.
26th February 2013 the journey continues.
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